i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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