can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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