I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
