We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
