You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
