Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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