omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
