I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
