i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
