if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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