"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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