Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
