last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
