Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
