Ambien. No doubt about it.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
