Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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