The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
