I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
