farters have to be the big spoon...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
