Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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