i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
