He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
