Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
