She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So many bounce houses so little time
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
