oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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