If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
