I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
