you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
