Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
All the doctor said was why
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
