Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
