i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
