saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
