I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
