I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
