break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
