I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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