everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
