wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
we're so committed to being not committed
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
