The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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