Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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