I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
