how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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