And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
