My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I want a musical about memes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
