you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
