a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
