i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
