life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
