fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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