capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
