I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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